Well it has almost been a week since I left him, it has not been an easy week to say the least.
I have come to terms of being away from him, at least to a degree but that doesn’t change the fact that I still wish to be with him, or that I feel things could have been handled better then they where.
I am trying to get myself back in order and well I’m still not fully sure what to do, so in some regards I’m doing nothing. As in I’m just going to work, doing work, reading the newspaper, and in general trying to keep things as normal as I can, which isn’t easy since I’m so use to doing so many things with him. Such as emailing him when I get into work to let him know I got in alright – it is such a small thing, but it was something that connected us to various degrees, while we where apart, yet looting back on it its also part of his controlling behavior that I didn’t think anything of when he told me I had to do it and when I didn’t do it he’d end up calling my cell till I answered it – hind sight is always 20/20.
To many who read my postings this split must have come at a shocker, since well there was no mentioning of anything going wrong in the relationship. Well there was hints, but never anything direct mostly because I wasn’t able to put things into words. I had tried to get him to change some of this behavior, but that didn’t work for more then a week at the most.
I did not wish to be rich, I just wanted to be stable and comfortable, to know that there was enough money in the coffers to get food as needed. To know that my medical needs would be taken care of, and in general to know that what I was doing was right.
He seems to believe that I left in part because of the lack of cash flow, (we where living from pay check to pay check, I never had a chance to put any money away for savings what so ever – which when I look back on this is not a good thing because it means that without work there is no food, shelter or anything if things go badly and I’m out of work for a prolonged period of time).
I hear some say but there is always welfare, well that might be the case but getting it is not easy, and no one can really live on 500 a month of which only 350.00 max can be spent of rent (how the world can anyone live on that is beyond me – though i know many do manage to do so).
Am I better off without him in my life? Well course I am, but at the same time I wonder what could have been or might have been. Though I know that the likely hood of me being able to sustain us with what I make would have been low – its not enough for myself to live on as it is let alone more then one person).
I’ve got credit card debt higher then I ever thought Id have it, which is to high to me. I have to live, so I can’t put what pay checks I get all against the card, but in another 6 months if things work out, that debt should be instead of in the red, should be in the yellow. And if things really work out by the next year they will be in the green (assuming I still have this job and get a raise).
I might not have all the money in the world right now, but at least my health is good (or as good as it can be), I’ve got a roof over my head, and friends who I can talk with. Not to mention support of those who helped me move out, to which I am thankful to know them, even if we only meet that once when they helped me move out.
Well take care everyone, post as time permits.
Nyx