Memories can be really painful

Well today was a fair day, and I’m not talking about the weather, cause that started out like crap, which cut short my ability to sleep thanks to my dog being totally scared of major storms, so at best I got something like 2 hours sleep, but hay its normal when storms strike in the morning (just wish he’d learn – he’s alright if he can share my bed, but my dog is only a double not large enough for the two of us – I really need a queen bed .. lol much more room for a human and large dog to fit nicely.)

Another things that happened to day was consciously reliving what happened to me so many years ago, remembering being raped, and the feelings what went along with it, and everything.

I know that I have been remembering this in my nightmares, but actually thinking about it all, thinking about what happened, remembering in next to crystal clear detail, had me feeling sick to my stumic.

Now why was I doing this? Why was I thinking about what happened? Simple, it was part of my session with my therapist. He new well enough that I’d been having nightmares since the last event happened, and well this was to various degrees a natural progression of getting me to face what’s happened, and not run from it – oh boy would I rather run from it at times, since the feelings it invokes are nun to pleasant, but again they are part of the healing process, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it, I just know that its right for me, even if it scares the hell out of me at the same time.

I guess the fact that I no longer see the original face of the person who raped me is a good thing, that its now a blankness or faceless person who’s doing it, even the body isn’t the same its hard to describe, its just not 100% there, though the member thats still a pencil (thin and long) that part’s not changed.

There are so many things that where running though my head when I left that session, things that I didn’t know I remembered from back then, sensations, feelings, and a coldness that was trying to slip into place (hard to explain, but I guess its close to a bitterness or something, not sure what yet).

Why now after X number of session has this topic just come up? Well its been in the wind for some time now, and parts of it have been touched on in pervious session, but like any person who has experienced negative things, I avoided it as much as I was able, because I wasn’t able to face it head on – still not sure I can since I wasn’t able to go from start to finish of how things happened, in part because the memories are fuzzy thanks to a sleep clogged brain at the time, but also because I think part of me still doesn’t wish to face what happened, regardless of how comfortable I am with the person I’m talking to.

K that’s part of it, but also at the time when I was to various degrees reliving it, I wasn’t able to put it into words – could I now? To a degree, but not 100% some of it just is pure emotions that cloud the pure memory events (yet another way of the brain protecting itself).

Some of the emotions that I was feeling at the time where disbelief that it was even happening to me, and that it was someone who I’d trusted at that (but don’t they say that its more then likely to be someone you trust who will hurt you the most?). I know I was also feeling powerless, since I wasn’t able to force him off of me. Try as I might, I wasn’t strong enough to push him off of me (and he weighed a hell of a lot less then I did, but he had that upper body strength that I was lacking in my lower body).

You see I was able to keep him away from the top part of me, that I was able to do to a degree, till he placed his hand around my neck or chin area not sure which, but at the moment I lost all control of my body – as in that was when I stopped fighting him, that simple action triggered something within me that made me go passive beneath him. I would later learn that I have to trigger points that to various degrees will make me go passive depending on who does it.

I can’t explain that trigger point, because I’ve not thought about it till today, and boy was I thinking about it today, so much so that it actually pissed me off – that my first ex used that trigger point to have his fun, and that my last ex also used that trigger point to pacify me. It might have its usages such as in high anxiety or something, but as a means of getting sex or what have you, wrong way of going about it.

Other feelings that I was feeling talking about being raped, where varied. There where feelings of being hopeless, being alone, being no go for anything, angry at myself for not being able to get myself out of it, angry that I’d left myself get close to him as a friend, angry that there was no one around to hear my screams for help, angry at him for playing me for a fool, and angry at him taking something from me that he might have gotten when I was ready to give it.

I also know looking back on it that I was also in shock, that I was functioning going about my life as if things where normal because I was still having trouble digesting what had happened, and when I got the courage to tell the school (which was after my morning lecture, which I don’t even remember I was so distracted by what had happened the night before) – I got the line that it couldn’t be rape, that it had been consensual and that I was just feeling guilty for lousing my virginity to him. Yes I was feeling guilty for lousing it to him, but not because I was waiting for marriage or anything like that as I was told, I felt guilty about it because I felt dirty, disgraced, ashamed, and a bunch of other emotions that I can’t even begin to describe.

To top this off, I would later learn in my last year of school that had it happened a few years later, things would have been different, they would have believed me. You see the school got with the program, that something called date rape did happen, and that it was rape in every sense of the word – but back when it happened to me, there was no such deal on campus or off that covered it (there might have been, but when I couldn’t get the school to believe me and since the police and hospital would go with the schools recommendations at that point in time going further just wasn’t worth it – at least I wasn’t strong enough back then to go further with it, even now I don’t know).

The fact that I went out and got condoms after talking to the school about what happened, made me feel even worse, but for me it was survival. If he was going to force me to have sex with him, at least it would be as safe as I was able to make it. How did I know he’d wear the condoms? I didn’t, but at the time I wasn’t thinking like that, I was only thinking that if it happened again that I needed protection.

I wasn’t even able to get the morning after pill or go on birth control (I’m allergic to the stuff – severally enough that I would like to live and breath as long as possible – I know cause I’ve been tested for just about everyone that is approved for use here in Canada, and no dice, even the depo that I’m on I’m technically allergic to – its just the reaction isn’t as breath stopping as the other options).

Talk about a time of running on pure what ever, for 6 freaking months after that I was running scared that he might have gotten be pregnant (I didn’t know at the time that I’m apparently infertile). I was praying to the gods and goddesses, even the creator to please make me not pregnant, to please if I was take the fetus give me a natural abortion. I payed almost daily that my cycle would come and prove that I was alright, that there wasn’t some parasite growing inside of me that I had no way of getting ride of.

I was to freaking scared to go to a local clinic and get myself tested to see if I was pregnant, I did take the pregnancy tests that you can do at home, but I know that are not 100% effective, since I know a few people who have used them, and well they have children that were not planned.

The thoughts of what I might have to do, if I was pregnant and had to carry the thing to term, terrified the hell of out me. I new if I had to have it that it would be going for adoption no questions asked and that those records would be sealed, with as much as was able to make sure that that child never found me or new me or I it, info that it was a product of rape would be on file, and a brief medical history as well, but that was to be it, I didn’t wish to have contact with it. That was what was going though my head, those 6 months before I had a cycle, and when that cycle happened I was very happy and relieved, and thanked the gods and goddesses and the creator for making sure I wasn’t with child.

I know it might not sound nice, what I was thinking but it was what was going though my mind, I wasn’t ready to be a mother (I’m still not ready or interested in being one) and knowing that that child was of rape, that I just wasn’t able to feel for. I don’t mind children, but one of my body just wasn’t appealing to me, then or now.

I can’t believe that I’m posting this for people to read, but at the same time it is helpful to see it on screen, and if what I post help just one person know that what’s happened to them was wrong and that its not their fault then its well worth sharing and telling.

Well I know I could write more, but I am just not feeling up to it, my mind is just to jumbled with the memories and feelings that I can’t write more at this point in time, maybe in the future I will be able to but not just right now.

Take care everyone
Nyx

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