Well it has been a long time since we last where last able to attend church for any length of time and this time we almost didn’t make it, as it was we arrived late so ended up outside in the waiting area. I almost said forget it lets leave instead of heading around to the waiting area – why? simple I felt like I had failed because I had it all planned out that we would get there with plenty of time to settle into the main room with everyone else and not doing so made me feel like I had failed Norman – though he didn’t see it that way by any stretch of the means.
I please pleased to learn that for all that we where late, Norman was in Luck, as the actual sacrament had not been passed and shortly after we sat down on the couch a decon came out and Norman was able to partake something he has not been able to do in some time – it felt great that he was finally able to have it, as things have been hard for him and having that was very important to me.
I still however, have not taken sacrament. It has been over a year as I keep forgetting to bring my GF biscuit that can be used and when we don’t arrive on time well it goes without saying that only one of us will be able to partake. Didn’t even take the water this time, why? because it wasn’t even offered to me. The youth offered Norman and bypassed me all because I passed on the bread, it hurt deeply that I couldn’t take the water but I understand the youths thinking to degrees (they are taught that if you don’t take one then the other is also not taken – unfortunately). One day I will take it, but if not then so be it what is meant to happen will and what is meant to not happen again will follow that particular path also.
I am also hurt by the saying “One of the most important steps we can take to strength out lives and remain firmly attached to the foundation of the saviour is to worthy partake of the sacrament each week” it hurts because it implies that that you can not gain strength or be worthy if you do not take sacrament. I know why I can’t take the regular one and I know it is on me to get my small deal to the decons so it can be blessed and so I can take it, but being made to feel like I don’t deserve to be able to do so all because I have a medical condition that effects what I put in my body isn’t right on any level. Yet I am made to feel buy the looks from the decor that I must have dun something wrong to not be taking it.
Regardless, we got there Norman got to connect like he hasn’t been able to do so and I cried inside and tried to not let it show (despite having storm on my lap trying to make me feel better), but we did get to listen to members of the ward speak including a friend of mine Kim, I didn’t know for sure it was her speaking until after everything was over and she came out into the waiting area, but she did confirm that she had spoken and I had been right it was her little talk. I might not have heard everything that was said (as the speakers were not turned on in the waiting area – they never seem to be unless someone asks long before hand), but we where there we where able to relax to degrees and just enjoy being there until sacrament finished and second hour was to being.
Second Hour was not what I was expecting, was expecting we would be splitting up, but instead it was held in the chapel with everyone including some of the youth. It was for some thing that was for ward families, which was big time not good feeling as everything that was shown on the screen was aimed at people who have children or work with them – nothing what so ever to do with those of us who are Childfree or even Childless (online i learned that other couples who are childless had experienced similar feelings during second hour regarding the new program that is aimed at family with children and excludes those without).
Listed to what was said but as soon as second hour was over we left – I’d had enough and just wonted to get out of there. I didn’t wish to stick around, I already felt like I didn’t belong and with that particular session I felt even more like we as a couple don’t belong. I know it is not the intent in general to make couples who are childless/childfree/empty nesters to feel alienated but the is what it achieved for us and many other couples around the world, sadly.
All in all I am happy that we made the effort to attend, sad that it didn’t go as planned but happy nun the less that we attended.