It’s not an easy thing to have happen and it’s not an easy thing to deal with on any level, and it certainly isn’t something I was by any means shape or form ready to have to deal with as yet. I know there are many out there who have lost their mother’s a lot younger then I have or who never knew their birth mother, but for myself and the battle we’ve been fighting with my mom for the past 7 years of her life has been rather emotional all around for us all.
Norman and I got married early because we where told that if we wonted my mom to be there in good shape as she was ever going to be in that we needed to say our I Do’s sooner rather then later, so instead of a year and change engagement we had all of 6 months. We could have waited and had enough time it turns out but at the time we didn’t know that we’d have enough time, but it worked out in the end.
A lot of things happen for a reason, and that was just one of those things that happened for its own reasons that we dealt with, just like a few other times we where told that mom might not be coming home again over the past several years (always around this time of year it seemed to happen), until this time they said several weeks ago she wouldn’t be coming home (she’d be going into a nursing home instead) they where semi right, she came home long enough to spend one more night with dad and us before letting nature takes its course.
She never wonted to go into a nursing home, she wonted to be here at home for as long as it was possible and it was getting to the point that safety wise we where unable to take care of her here as she needed to be taken care of, which hurts to think about much less say/type. But it is as it is time wasn’t on our favour and I think she knew it which is why she wonted to come home so badly and was so adamant about coming home.
Being at work the day mom was admitted to the hospital for the last time, was a shocker because I’d gone to work texted Norman that I got in and maybe an hour or two later he texted me back saying mom was on the way to the hospital via ambulance because she wasn’t breathing right and that dad was following the ambulance in the van. Then around 2pm he texted again saying that was home and upset (he’d handed in the DNR and agreed to it to be in place) then about 4pm as I was packing everything up I got the fateful text from Norman that read “She has two hours to live” I took how ever many steps towards my work mates and never made it as I collapsed to the floor crying.
The rest of the time is almost a blur, I remember making sure everything was as it needed to be and that I had all my stuff and I remember crying as I was driving and trying to stay within the speed limit all the while hoping that I’d make it to her in time to say my good byes, since the last time I’d seen her had been 10pm the night before when I’d headed to bed do to having to get up early at 5am.
Arrived at the hospital and the blasted nurse in the ER didn’t even know where mom had been put, because she’d been moved from the ER and they didn’t know where so for several minutes they where looking for her when we learned where she’d been put (she was put back on the floor she’d left the day before, only into isolation on minimal life support – she was on supplemental oxygen and nothing more). When we got to her she was not awake that were aware of nor was she responsive to us being there and she was as cold as an ice cube to the touch and ashen in colour.
We got to say our good byes to her, it might have been 30 minutes or less I don’t even know but it wasn’t long after we got there that she took her last breath and move on to the next world to be with Granny, Bliss and Griffy. We didn’t even at first know she’d passed because there was no monitors to say when it occurred all I know is I herd a long sigh sound and that was it I whipped around from hugging Norman and saw nothing, no chest rising, no gasps for breath and putting my hear to her check I heard to heart beat and even Norman using the scope that was at the bed side couldn’t get a beat – so we called in the nurse who after a minute of listening agree with the other nurse who was there that she’d moved on.
It all feels surreal, I wake up every morning so far and think i need to go to the hospital to see her, that its been to long since that she must be upset that we’ve not been in to see her – then reality hits me over the head and I remember that I’ll never see her again on this side of the vale, and it hurts to remember that she’s not physically here anymore that I won’t hear her voice again and all I have are my memories of her and the pictures and videos we’ve taken over the years.
Walking along the area down from us, passing by the flower shop and seeing the potted mum’s hurts because it made me remember that she won’t be there this month for Norman’s birthday nor my mine next month – I won’t’ be able to talk to her over the phone like I did on my 21st birthday because she’ll never be there for another birthday. I’ve known for a long time that the day would come when she couldn’t be there for a birthday but now its reality it hurts so much.
As dad says, one foot in front of the other, one step at a time we’ll get though this. I know that we will but IT HURTS!!!! I keep remember what I said to her and everything for the “last” time and its like it’s NOT enough! I didn’t spend much time at the hospital this time round like I had in previous years, I missed complete days going into see her because of being tired from work and needing the recoup time – now I’m kicking myself for not going in to see her more often.
I know it doesn’t change anything and I know that she cherished the time I did come it, its my own head and heart that I am fighting with over feeling like I didn’t do enough and its what I have to live with for the rest of my life, just like she had to live with the fact that she left her own mom to get rest and within minutes of her leaving her own mom’s side granny passed (its like granny didn’t won’t mom to be there that she held on as long as she could before moving on) – mom was on her way home when granny passed so the home ended up calling me to tell me that she’d passed (I learned of it before my mom did ::shakes head::).
Right now, we’re going though all the things we need to go though, contacting those who knew her and letting them know of her passing, everyone is asking when the funeral will be and there isn’t going to be one, because mom didn’t won’t there to be one so dad is going with her wishes in not having one (I really don’t think he could handle it if there was one, I’m not sure I could either though if needed I know I’d get though it). Instead we are going to have a wake some time in the future at the Universalist church that we all attended (the same church that married Norman and I) so many years ago where mom actually felt good going and being part of. So at that point in time it will be open for all who wish to come and remember her. that’s when we’ll put a notice in the paper about her passing other wise its word of mouth and social media that people will have learned about her passing.
I know in time it might be easer to think about her and what not but right now its a little to raw and trying to deal with it while other things in life I just can’t do it – I’m trying but putting one foot in front of the other is the best that I can do at this point in time in my life.
Post more as I can get my brain to write and think about it.
Nyx
“you are missed by all who knew you”
August 27th 2014