In the strangest of all places, we can sometimes find what we were looking for, even when we did not know what we searching for. Like waking this morning before the sun was up, finding I wore boxing gloves. They were tied, and secure. A voice screaming, “fight, you gotta fight.” Looking around at shadows in the ring, I use my teeth to untie the strings, letting the gloves fall to the floor. I will fight no more. Like pulling on a rope that has no end, my thoughts were loose inside. A knot, or two, and sometimes blind. Just unfinished work. Was this what I came here in dreams to find?
The voice screaming made it plain that should I not fight the shadows would win. Bowing to the shadows. I honored them. Leaving the ring, and starting the long walk home I wondered why I could not fight for what I believed in. Was I wrong, did the doubts inside make me less whole. I believed in love. I believed in truth. But was I, as the voices in my head told me, not worthy of the fight, because sometimes I reached to hate, or lied for fear of being weak?. I smiled, understanding this was not about what voices said, but about who I was inside.
On the way home, a voice out side my head called out. “Hey woman, be careful. There is a new dug grave just ahead.” I asked this voice if he tired of digging graves year, after year. He lit up a cigarette, and replied. “No, it’s a bit like cleaning out closets. You just know the end is not what it seems by outward signs. There is more than we ever dreamed left untouched by human thoughts, and words inside our heads.” The red glow of the end of his cigarette was like the thoughts inside. Alive, and waiting for a new drawn breath to give them substance.
I reached home just as the sun rose from behind the hills. Home was no more, just a deep dug well. The face inside has lost its hardness. The face inside has changed. Its not always what we fight for that makes us who we are. Sometimes its knowing what is inside the core of being. Every spark is valued to the flame. Every drop of rain matters to the morning dew. Every breath is precious to the dying mans lips when he has yet to unfinished this journey here. Every step is real to the one who has no legs. Eyes, and visions go deeper inside the blind man who can see.
“Be still inside, and find that quiet place”, the moon spoke before the night was through. She sometimes shared the heavens with the sun. Sometimes the sun seemed as two, bouncing off the shadows in the worlds we know. I sat beside the well for a long time. The voices in my head stopped. Peace drew me in. Home was inside this dance we give ourselves too.
I thought of lovers behind me, and knew with only one I gave the core of my being. They all choose to move on as I had done when the boxing gloves hit the floor. With gentle tears I finally understood. This was not about judgments, or who looses, and wins. This was about becoming whole inside. Sometimes that meant moving on from where we stood. Married for one year, and a day the hand fasting was not a promise, as much as it was the act of choosing to honor the connections we find along our way. Just like thoughts inside my head.
I thought of my daughter trying to walk in my shoes. She laughed, and said, “Someday mom I will grow big.” We laughed, and I replied, “Yes, but always fill your shoes, no one else’s were meant for you.” She was thinking fast. I could see the laughter in her eyes. “Does that mean we can go buy new shoes today” she sweetly asked. “Yes,” I said, and off we went leaving the closet far behind. For some they never have enough. Some fight every step of the way. Some will not fight, while others will seek to be still. Peace is knowing what we choose inside gives the shadows power, or releases them to find a different place to define.
So today as I search inside, I open the core of my being to understand the me inside is honoring with respect the knowing who I am. My inner light reminds of the sun light – moon bright places. The places where the shadows, and the brilliance are one, and the same. Different nights, and days, and times, but always moment when we live the steps we take, seeking the journeys end.
This my gift to the world is sharing a place inside me that will not hold on, but will with one embrace, love from no beginning, and no ending. I bow with reverence to each chosen path, asking nothing from the shadows but that truth be my reflection where a heart is as vulnerable as it is strong. Not here to save the dying. Not here to walk in past, or futures not yet here. Just here for the steps of today that greets me with the simple awareness. That with which we struggle often finds us asking why, and who we are inside. Spirit having a human experience knowing love is forever while changing as the moments shared.